Autonomy is a Rare Bird
Some things I would love to have more time for:
Drawing for fun and not for profit.
Solo travel.
Doing nothing.
Writing fiction.
Aimlessness.
Meditation.
Running.
This is not to say that I don’t do any of these AT ALL. I just wish I had MORE time for each. Actually, the solo travel hasn’t made an appearance in my life in quite awhile. I am trying to arrange something of this, but it’s a challenge of time. I would love to take a train ride by myself and just stare out of the window. Wait–put that on the “more time” list: staring out a window.
Parents know that self-care is both crucial and at the low end of the totem pole. I see that every one of these items is about self-care. Today I asked for the whole day off from Gus to do work and play “catch up.” I needed it for self-care, but Gus woke up with a fever and a cold brewing. So much for a morning of day care, which means that Graham is on duty all day. This means I still (in theory) get the day to myself, but I am on-call just in case. I brace myself–just in case–for the call. That isn’t exactly autonomous–but let’s face it, that’s as close as it gets as a mom who works from home. We are all interruptible! The heart-strings are attached at all times!
It might be a good day to go for a walk–even for an hour. Being alone is a rare bird indeed.
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My kids are grown now, but I remember the days when they were little I would try to get up earlier than them for some alone time. It never worked. They seemed to know when I was up.
So. I started to go for early (really really early walks – sometimes in the dark). Husband was on call and I would go round and round the neighborhood..watching out for skunks and unleashed dogs. It was good. I kind of almost miss it now that I don’t need it so bad.
Reading your posts I want to tell you it will all be okay. It will. Motherhood never ends, but the desperation does.
This is so apt for me today! I’ve been suffering a bit of burn out and find it really difficult to give myself a break because I feel like I might look irresponsible if I do. But I like this list and I think I’m going to make one for myself! Brilliant!
Now, this I get. I don’t have children, myself, but still I get almost NO time to myself. It absolutely drains me. I can’t even imagine how much more pressure having a child to look after would put on me, so I wish you all the best. I have started getting up at 5am so I can have some down time before I leave for work. I know your situation is different, but maybe once a day Graham could take Gus for an hour or so to give you time to reconnect with yourself? I sure hope you work it out, because I find that having just a couple minutes alone daily really helps me to stay sane. I hope you are able to find that time. All the best to you and yours.