This is not a pretty post
Yesterday was one of those days that I woke up thinking, “I wish just one morning I could not face THIS again.” We all have periods of THIS (whatever THIS may be for you). It didn’t help that Gus woke up at 4:30 again, but that’s just a small part in this story. Graham and I have gotten those mornings down. One of us gets up for the first hour, while the other sleeps in, and then we tag team. This helps psychologically so much–just knowing that each of us gets sleep.
For me THIS was intense anxiety. I had another day where I was struggling with overwhelming anxiety. I felt CRUSHED by it, up to my EYEBALLS in it and when you’re up at 4:30 facing a LONG DAY AHEAD OF YOU already disabled with anxiety, it’s tough. Graham went to work and here I was with Gus and the anxiety.
I managed the first half of the morning okay, even though Gus is also in this period of BOLTING and doing two-year-old “I don’t HEAR YOU” responses, which in public places is enough to raise the anxiety to shoot FLAMES out of my eyes. It was hard not to lose my shit, and I have to say I an proud of myself for NOT losing my shit. Instead, I redirected his and my attention with different activities.
At lunchtime, when he went down for a nap, I finally let myself lose it. I sat in a chair and I cried my eyes out. I cried because I literally had no answers. I cried because I was tired. I cried because I am scared out of my mind (literally) and I had no idea what to do. I let some kindness in and I cried some more.
Sometimes the day is not pretty. Sometimes all there is to do is to say, “I honestly don’t know what to do.” I don’t know about you, but I HATE not knowing what to do. Yet saying so, and letting it go for an hour, was enough to let the pressure out a little. It was enough to feel emptied a bit of what is scaring me these days. I still don’t know what the answer is, but today I feel a bit better just having let myself acknowledge that. Sometimes the only thing you know how to do is the thing to do. Even if it’s feeling helpless. Even if it’s weeping and saying to yourself over and over again: “I don’t know I don’t I don’t know and I’m terrified and that is all.” That is all there is right now until something more comes. Something more will come. It always does.
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oh I hope you are ok. Sometimes I think this is the down side of being a creative person. the exciting highs and the horrible lows. hang in there!
Kudos to you for practicing good self care. It’s really heartwarming to read that other Mom’s allow themselves to just feel all their angst, fatigue and frustration and not try to soldier on!
Better days ahead, rest assured.
It sounds as if your day wasn’t pretty, but you handled it beautifully and genuinely. Thank you for all you share here. Your posts on compulsive Internet time rang so true with me! I live on five acres in a gorgeous part of the world, but was starting to spend too much time staring at the computer instead of staring at our mountains. I just deleted my Twitter account, deactivated Facebook for a month and took down my Etsy shop – because each of these spaces left me feeling anxious and unsuccessful. {I was totally surprised that the world didn’t stop when I did this!} I can’t wait to see what I do with that space in my brain and the extra time on my hands. Maybe work on my 30 Things List?
Yes, my friend, I know THIS only too well.
And as someone who has lost their shit in public places when her toddler has pushed her buttons, I can only reassure you that it’s equally as OK (in a totally not OK way, but you get my drift).
We just keep going. Some days, all we can claim is the feeling that we have nothing to claim and that we’re hanging on by a thread.
Hang on in there.
x
Ahh the ups and downs of life and being a mother. Good on you for just feeling it rather than trying to figure it out. We all have days like that and its nice to know your not alone.
I know that feeling of anxiety. The one that’s there when you wake up and you don’t want to be left alone with it because you know you don’t have the energy to fight it but then it’s just you and the anxiety in a room. So you fight, fight, fight the enormous grey cloud that’s looming on the horizon until it envelops you and it’s a relief because you don’t have to fight anymore. You can just be lost in it. You were just lost in it for a while.
Horrible as it is my most sharp creative periods have followed/been directly related to these feelings.
I did that a few nights ago. It was messy. There was a ridiculous amount of kleenex involved. And a while later the world seemed a bit more bearable. (or maybe it was just because I had a sinus cold and having a good cry had somehow disloged things a bit so I could actually breathe through my nose again)
Why do we always feel like we have to have everything together, or at least master the act of seeming like we do, especially when life is as messy and unpredictable as it is?
and wow….you have a two year old in the “I’m going to run away at random times at lightning speed and ignore you” stage…(often finding a solution for world peace seems like a simpler task than getting two year olds to stay in one place for more than 30 seconds) and you’ve still managed to not lose your creative self, even if it feels a little battered at times.
Hang in there!
Oh, Summer. My heart aches for you. I don’t know what to say that would make things better. Just know there are people out here, “listening,” caring, and rooting for you.
I know you a) reported feeling better in the next post and b) don’t know me from Eve, but anxiety is a thing for me, too. Sometimes it’s just a bodily feeling, not ABOUT anything. Thinking of it like weather–just something that’s happening–sometimes helps.